Friday, November 4, 2011

Maybe it Will Help to Write

I woke up this morning and turned on the computer. Hit email. Was groggy.

She's an old blogging friend who lives in a yurt on a mountain with 5 horses, two dogs, a cat, goat or two here and there... oh, and her husband. I've never met her, but I love her and apparently the cancer she's been battling snuck up on her... and she drifted into unconsciousness sometime yesterday. It's had me off kilter and angry all day. I treated plants like they were weeds until I had the good sense to go to lunch and try to nap in my car.

It didn't help that after that email, was nothing. My (almost) ex and I have had trouble emailing and he said last night he would try again... and there was nothing.

And after that.... a bill for over 100.00 to SiriusXM, for 6 upcoming months of service that I forgot I agreed to back in May. I don't have 100.00.

And no message from a friend I've tried every way from Sunday to reach.

And get to work stressed because the 'Head Asses' are supposed to be in and everyone has been crazed about it and worried about what questions we will be asked and tutoring us on them; and I'm trying to remember if we've taken in 11,000 this week or this month and it's patently obvious but it wasn't this morning.... and no one showed up.

And I went to the bathroom to find that the only pair of jeans I own (which I'm wearing) have a huge hole in the front and that means I have to go to Walmart, (yes, fucking Walmart) after work and spend more money that I don't have. And when I say I don't have it, I mean I DON'T HAVE IT.

And for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to apply for a position in Wisconsin because I've wanted to be there for years and a post came up and I never thought they would want me to BE there.... that the interview would be over the phone like the last one was. But, no, I'm driving up on Tuesday morning and WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

I can't afford to move or a first months rent/security and if I went I wouldn't know a soul, and looking around our sorry store today realized I really cared about a lot of these people.... and they care about me.

And because I had to go to f*cking Walmart I didn't take the dog to play, just a walk... the one that's left inside too long too often and he's driving me crazy.

And I wanted to bounce this off of my Happy Homo but he's lost (cellphone and mood-wise) on a mountain in Kentucky and we keep missing each other.

..........

And it all comes round to this morning and the news about Carmon and I wonder how I can be so selfish and self-absorbed.

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